How Many Ways Can Nelly Tell Ashanti, “I Don’t Want the Same Thing”?
Pass this onto a Sister who might be in the same situation
Hey Sis
You know, I really try my best to mind my business and stay away from the celebrity gossip, like Nelly and Ashanti’s marriage, or commenting on jealous, bitter baby daddies like DDG, Umar Johnson, and Tyrese. Every now and then, when I look up from the history and archives I root through to create Notes on Black Women these present day situations with beautiful and talented Black women catch my eye, as they can be used as teachable moments for all women but especially for Black women.
I feel this way as many Black women still see men as a prize, ( especially Black men) when they should not when they have little to offer, and many Black women are still happy to lower their standards just to be with them, because other men in our community such as Tyler Perry, Kevin Samuels, and the Black manosphere et al tell Black women they must do so. The outcome is what we see happening in the relationships between DDG and Hailey Bailey, and Nelly and Ashanti. Today, my focus is the latter.
What Did Nelly Tell Us This Spring?
Do you remember around spring this year, Nelly confirmed that the reason he married Ashanti is “so she would not be seen as a baby mama.” His reasons for marrying her, based on what he has said in his interviews shows that it had nothing to do with love, desire, wanting, or even him seeing himself as fit to be a good husband. Nelly has consistently given Ashanti messages for us on the outside as well as Ashanti to conclude that this union happened based on what Ashanti wanted for herself, not necessarily what he wanted for himself or even better felt he could offer her.
It also appears that based on Nelly’s honesty that they never even had a conversation about marriage, when she got pregnant. He said in the Spring of 2025, when he found out she was pregnant,
“We hadn’t even talked about it ( marriage) yet,” and “let’s just get this ( wedding) out the way” his full three minute clip is below.
Fast forward not even six months later, within the last twenty four hours Nelly recently showed his wife (and the world) that he has no intention of being a hands-on father, and he never really did have from the start. What he has shown is that he is happy to produce kids, provide Ashanti with them if she wants them, but that’s as far is it goes, oh and he is in support of having nannies raise the kids in his place.
In fact I would go as far as to say he showed that he never had any intention of actually being a dad at his age (fifty), but he had the child “for her,” based on what he said in this clip, and a recent interview for People.com here.
This is not to critique, judge, or even shame Ashanti, this is about using her situation to highlight what she missed ( or maybe saw but decided to overlook) ,so that other women don’t make the same mistakes.
What Black Women Can Observe from Ashanti’s Situation
1. Don’t allow a man to waste your time!: Ever since I learned that after wasting Ashanti’s time while she was younger with a ten year relationship that went nowhere, disappearing for almost twenty years and creating children and a broken home, then returning to Ashanti I’ve always felt that Ashanti was wasting her time with Nelly. Based on what Ashanti has told us she has wanted— marriage and kids, Nelly would be a waste of time, if he really wanted that he would have offered it to her years ago, or even the woman he created a family with after they broke up. The first thing to learn is that men will waste your time if you allow them, just like Nelly did.
Learn when to outgrow a man, and his energy if it’s mismatched
Side note: Secondly, I’d like to think if I spent a decade with a man and it went nowhere, then he came back to me after another ten or twenty years that I would have grown so much that this man would not be my type anymore, especially if I wanted what Ashanti did. Little growth has happened for Ashanti or Nelly in their many years apart. Ashanti has held on to the “potential” she saw in him twenty years ago, and not realised that that’s as far as it goes with Nelly—potential. This is not what she really wants, and Nelly has not matured into the family man she wanted, I’d guess that Nelly has an avoidant type personality.
2, No More Low Standards: As beautiful as Ashanti is and she really is beautiful, and as talented as she is she has very low standards when it comes to men and what she will accept from them. Nelly, it appears from all his interviews has always been honest with her about who and what he is, and what he can and most importantly can’t offer her as a husband and father. Ashanti does not have what I would call a natural confidence, or even main character energy, she is not thinking of herself or centring her needs in a realistic way, she is looking at Nelly as a man who will provide her with what she wants ( marriage and kids), and disregarding what he offers as a husband and father— which is not much by the looks of it, based on his interviews he has given regarding their relationship.
The learning here is: if a woman accepts Mr. Bare Minimum, she will always get Mr. Bare Minimum, marriage cannot and will not change them, if anything it will make them worse as it shows you will and do accept the bare minimum and you’re happy to sign up for this “until death do us part” and that’s what happens with low standards when dating. Ashanti cannot be blindsided, or disappointed with Nelly as Mr. Bare Minimum, he did show her the signs of what she is signing up for, before she took the leap into marriage and kids.
3. Do not ignore the red flags or differences in what you both want: If we look closely at all of Nelly’s public interviews regarding his marriage to Ashanti and their child, he makes it very clear that “he did this for her.” It does not appear that he really wanted the same things as Ashanti, we can see this because Ashanti has always been very vocal about wanting to “get married and have kids.”
In his People.com interview he says that “at this age I don’t want to be chasing around toddlers” he has told her he does not want kids. It’s a massive red flag as a woman, especially a Black woman to overlook the fact that a man does not want what you want, as this will translate to single motherhood and abandonment. The worst thing any woman can do is go ahead anyway and hope that he or things will change. When it comes to this relationship and marriage it appears to me that Nelly has always been clear about his desires or lack of them, that align with Ashanti’s , as I said do you think Ashanti can act blindsided at all at this point?
4, If he is already a father and not looking after his children, would you have his child?
With the high rate of absent fathers in the Black community throughout the diaspora, there’s always a high chance as a Black woman you may find yourself in Ashanti’s situation, that’s to say: meeting a man who is already a father and now seeking another relationship. When faced with this situation there can be one true test to see if this man is for you— is he an active father? If not, why? And are you prepared to be placed in the previous woman’s position ( not having an active father) if you have his child? This just boils down to discernment, something I personally feel that Ashanti lacked when deciding to take Nelly back into her life. This kind of discernment could have been a good predictor for the situation she is in now, a man telling her “okay, we can have these kids but they are your kids (and the nanny’s) as I’m not getting involved.”
Why does he want to commit to you? Not the other way around:
Sadly, I don’t think Ashanti really asked herself this question, let alone asked Nelly why he wants marriage or feels ready for it. It’s easy to see why Ashanti would want to commit via marriage to Nelly— it’s what she wants, and it appears that it does not matter so much who with, as if it did she probably would not have chosen a man who showed non-committal signs to start. Judgement and discernment about why a man is interested in you is always key. Men, we know, studies show benefit more from marriage and committed relationships more than women do, it’s always wise to discern why he may want you.
6. Trust a man’s actions, and if they line up with his words: in this case, Nelly’s actions are lining up with his words. He is clearly not helping Ashanti with raising their child, but the thing is he told her this before she got pregnant. The main take away from this part about Nelly’s character as a man is that Black women especially should not be finding themselves pregnant for this kind of man, unless she truly wants to be a parent and is happy with single parenthood.
Bottom line….
This situation is very sad but could have been avoided if Ashanti had high self-esteem and standards for what she is looking for in a man. Nelly would not be an option for her if she did, a decade apart and his lack of growth would have shown itself to her if she had higher standards for the man she marries. Bottom line here is this situation is what a lot of Black women sign up for because they want marriage and kids. One must ask themselves is it worth it? And is the man even worthy of the title of husband and father? Before you pull him in, and allow him to trap you with single motherhood because that’s what Ashanti is—
She is raising that child on her own, regardless of the diamond on her finger and the vows she took.
Much love
The Black Woman Essayist
xoxo
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